A study by Fidelity Investments reveals that adult children have their parents’ backs and far more than parents may think, although 93% of parents say it would be unacceptable to become financially dependent on their children; only 30% of children feel the same. Nearly four in 10 families disagree as to roles and responsibilities as parents get older. Among the other communication gaps:

• 92% of parents expect one of their children to assume the role of executor of the estate, but 27% of the kids who are expected to be the executor don’t know that they are expected to do so. Fifty-five percent of parents expect the oldest child to be executor.
• While 72% of parents expect one of their children will assume long-term caregiver responsibilities in retirement if need be, 40% of the kids identified as filling this role didn’t know this. Of those that do, 58% are women. One surprising trend is that a growing number of Millennials are providing care giving support for a parent.
• While 69% of parents expect one of their children to help manage their investments and retirement finances, 36% of the kids identified as filling this role didn’t know this.

John Sweeney, executive vice president of Retirement and Investing Strategies at Fidelity said, “Many families need to do a better job of being on the same page when it comes to financial planning, as there are real emotional and financial consequences when family conversations don’t happen or lack sufficient depth. At some point every family will face issues related to aging, which is why it’s important to take the time to sort through the details related to care giving responsibilities and estate planning, before declining health forces the issue. Doing so can lead to far better emotional and financial outcomes for everyone.”

Why aren’t these conversations taking place? Part of it seems to be a matter of timing, since only 33% of parents and their children agree when it’s appropriate to initiate these conversations; that is, whether to have them well before retirement, upon entering retirement or closer to when health and finances become an issue. Part of it may be that families don’t realize the importance of talking these topics through: a significant portion of those surveyed have yet to discuss retirement plans (38% of parents, 43% of adult children) say it’s because the subject never comes up! Even if conversations are taking place, the depth and extent of the conversations is often inadequate, as the study uncovered significant gaps in the following areas:

• Long-term care: 43% of parents say they have not had detailed conversations with family members about long-term care and elder care. An additional 23% have not had any conversations at all. While 72% of children think their parents should be tackling the issue of long-term care/elder care, only 41% of their parents say they actually are. As healthcare costs have risen in the past few years, this has become an increasingly important topic. According to the latest Fidelity Investments Retirement Health Care Cost Estimate, the average couple can expect to spend an estimated $245,000 on health care throughout retirement.
• Will and estate planning: Sixty-nine percent of parents say they’ve had detailed conversations with their children on this subject, 52% of children say they haven’t.
• Living expenses in retirement: Thirty-four percent of parents say they have not had detailed conversations with family members about covering their living expenses in retirement. An additional 16% have not had any conversations on the topic at all.
• Shelter from the Storm: With conversation comes greater peace-of-mind.

One thing is certainly clear: having detailed conversations around finances can help families avoid panic when it matters most. In fact, 93% of children who say they have had any detailed conversation with their parents are significantly more likely to have greater peace-of-mind around these issues. Likewise, 95% of parents reported feeling greater peace of mind as a result of estate planning conversations.

One-third of parents and their children say frank conversations should occur after retirement and when health and finances have become an issue—at which point, it may be too late. These conversations should begin taking place before retirement, and certainly well before any challenges arise. “It’s actually a good idea for conversations about finances to be taking place among families no matter what your age, whether you are in your twenties and looking to build a strong financial foundation or in your sixties and transitioning into retirement,” added Sweeney.

Ask as many detailed questions as you can. Don’t be afraid to ask even the most seemingly obvious questions. Three out of 10 families surveyed disagreed as to whether or not the children knew where to find important family documents such as wills, power of attorney and health care proxies. (For those looking for a safe, electronic storage location, Fidelity recently introduced FidSafe®, a secure digital place to store, access and share all of a families’ most important documents.)

When having discussions, follow the “voice not vote” rule. While family members should have a role in the planning process, make sure the ultimate decisions made are consistent with the wishes of the parents, who are charting the course of the rest of their lives. If a financial advisor is already involved in planning, having these discussions with the advisor can be a good place to start.

Define family roles. Advanced planning can help define roles and choose when and how different people will be involved. For example, who will have power of attorney or be the executor of your estate? It’s important to consider the personalities of each child, as well as their proximity, relationship with parents and other nuances that play into long-term decision making.

Commit to follow-up conversations to keep the dialogue going. These conversations are not “one and done.” Keep the momentum going and schedule as many get-togethers as needed—and revisit those plans at least annually, to make sure they still make sense.